Written by Don Fulsom
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Sunday, 5 May 2013

Scientists have stumbled onto a unique and inexpensive way to self-administer a beauty facial that, until now, only Hollywood stars could aspire to.

Yes, you can now achieve the same long-lasting results-tight-as-a-drum skin, nearly invisible wrinkles, wart shrinkage, removal of mustaches on elderly women, and shrinkage of neck wattles on seniors of both sexes.

All results come from an easy to make home elixir. The most secret ingredient is, of all things, unused kitty litter, the scientists reveal. Just put the litter (brand names work better) in a kitchen sifter and let the non-marbleized ingredients waft into a waiting saucepan.

Next, pour three cups of fresh malt vinegar and a Ball jar of red Georgia clay into the mix, and then-after stirring rapidly over medium heat with a wooden spoon for 6 minutes-paste the warm resulting plaster-like substance on your face for 50-52 minutes. Peel off, and see the new you!

(No refunds for disfigured features, which sometimes happens. Buyer beware!)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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