Written by IainB
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Topics: Food, popcorn, packaging

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

image for Sweetcorn reclassified as a packaging material
Eat this? You're kidding right?

Many nutritionists have known that the day would come when sweetcorn was eventually removed from the Official Food List.

"It has the nutritional value of a plastic carrier bag," said Gillian McKeef, nutritionist to the stars. "I'd rather eat rabbit droppings than sweetcorn."

With sweetcorn's removal from the official food list, this has left a massive mountain of corn yet to be force fed to children the world over. Now the Sweetcorn Federation of Europe are desperately trying to find alternate uses for the small yellow kernels of pure unadulterated evil.

"It does make an excellent alternative for tarmac on roads," said Maisy Stalk, head of the newly formed committee for ridding the world of excess sweetcorn. "Sadly, we cannot find a way of colouring it, and it looks like double yellow lines when we fill in a pothole."

A temporary use for sweetcorn has been found as a packaging material, but in the long run, this will have to change.

"Sweetcorn is not biodegradable," said Stalk. "We've found sweetcorn that's still just as edible from the time of the Aztecs. It's exactly the same as fresh sweetcorn. In other words, nasty. How anybody ever thought it was a food, is beyond me."

There was a hope that it could be ground down and turned into a dry lubricant, which led to the discovery that it does make an excellent emergency flair.

"When it's ground down, it burns really well," said Maisy. "A bright intense burn that smells vaguely of cinemas."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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