Written by Ossurworld
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Thursday, 18 April 2013

Famed scientist Stephen Hawking, a kin of Albert Einstein in the cosmology of odds and evens, has claimed the Boston Celtics' fate is in the hands of quantum fluctuations.

Hawking told an audience of eggheads whose brain is in the shape of a basketball, God rolls the dice to determine whether Kevin Garnett will overcome Carmelo Anthony.

If you want to discover the God particle, you should look to see if Avery Bradley moves quicker than something shot out of the Hadron Collider.

However, quantum fluctuations are really the key to victory in a seven-game series between the New York Knicks and the Celtics starting on Saturday.

As Garnett learned earlier in the season, forget controlling the ball. If you can play mind games with the Knicks, they will be off their feed, passing on the honey-nut cereal in the honey-nut-of-a-series.

Hawking might well tell Celtics' players that there is no escaping a black hole if you are pulled in at Madison Square Garden. The problem is that the opposite force in the TD Garden is less powerful.

The proof that physics controls the basketball fortunes of the NBA is found every night at the free-throw line where gravity shows that a brick and a feather fall next to the rim at the same speed.

Whatever team loses, the players will be subject to an Inquisition demanding answers to the imponderable. Those who said a prayer before the game may wonder why the laws of relativity gave them the shaft of a black hole.

Dark matter truly dominates the world of the NBA playoffs. You can't see it, but it may tell you who will win the games.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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