Written by David Grant
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Saturday, 30 March 2013

image for Higgs Bozo Found
Higgs in his cleaning uniform

The interdisciplinary science of Quantum Genetics has discovered a special type of Bozo called Higgs. Believed to be the most stupid person on earth, he was found cleaning the toilets at a fast food outlet in the US.

What makes him so remarkable is the fact that there is no physical reason why he should be so amazingly stupid; his brain is in perfect condition. He appears to have a hatred for knowledge, understanding and common sense.

Professor Floyd Gluon explained how his existence was determined, "We extended an IQ probability curve to the outliers, beyond moron level and to the .001 percentile range. So we are talking about an individual who has an IQ of ten or less. We examined the conditions that would indicate the presence of a Bozo. Unfortunately, at first all we found were a couple of twits. Then by refining our search we eventually discovered him."

Professor U. Reeker, who shares the Nobel Prize with Gluon for finding him continued, "Our computer model predicted an overweight, X Factor loving individual who probably believes in flying saucers, thinks the moon landing was a hoax, and works at a fast food establishment."

There was tremendous excitement at his discovery, and it has led to a new theory of stupidity. Like Quantum Mechanics, the experimental results are difficult to comprehend. He is so stupid that he believes that Woodrow Wilson makes sports equipment. Mathematically, this level of stupidity was predicted by a Feynman-type equation.

Scientists are now looking for the Anti-Higgs human. This would be someone with an IQ of over 190. It is believed by some that the Anti-Higgs must have been created at the same time as the Higgs. In other words he or she must be a twin of Higgs.

When I asked Professor Gluon if Higgs has mentioned having a twin brother or sister, he said no. He continued, "You must remember that Higgs is so stupid that he has probably forgotton, and as it is likely that his family have moved away and changed their names, we will probably never know."

At the moment, they are bombarding Higgs with education in an attempt to change his Bozo level, but with no success. "The first step we are taking is to teach him his right hand from his left so that he can learn a rudimentary form of counting," said Gluon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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