Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 26 March 2013

image for Cactus Enemas the latest Hollywood Craze
Do not try this at home. Leave it to the qualified professionals.

Fresh out of the beauty clinics of Hollywood is the latest beauty treatment that guarantees to tighten facial skin better than botox, put a spring in the step and reverse the visible signs of aging, including erectile dysfunction.

"This really is a wonder treatment," said Anne Gorer, who has set up Britain's first Cactus Enema Salon in Liverpool. "I've treated hundreds of people so far since setting up, and I've not had one single complaint."

The most common misconception about the Cactus Enema is that people believe that the cactus will be processed in some way prior to the enema itself.

"We do not do anything to the cactus," said Gorer, "we use it in the way that nature intended. We don't liquefy it, powder it or even remove the thorns. It is inserted whole."

The act of insertion has an immediate benefit on the client. Their eyes produce an unprecedented amount of water.

"Lachrymal liquid, or tears, is a remarkable rejuvenating agent for the eye area," said Gorer. "Sadly, the eyes rarely produce enough to have an effect. However, from the second the treatment starts, the eyes produce copious quantities of lachrymal liquid."

The secondary effect is to tauten the skin on the face.

"All my clients have noticed how their facial skin is tautened," said Gorer. "The cactus is inserted, and their jaw opens so far that it pulls the skin on the rest of the face. This effect lasts well beyond the duration of the treatment."

As a cure for erectile dysfunction, this only occurs where the penis is too scared to dangle down, for fear of thorns, and thus enters a self-protecting permanent erection.

"It's better than viagra!" exclaimed Gorer. "A number of wives of men who've had a cactus enema have thanked me personally, as - so I'm told - the husband becomes a much more tender love-maker."

There are two stages to the Hollywood Cactus Enema, stage one is insertion, which has all the above mentioned benefits. The second stage is removal, a process which has been noted as producing a wonderful sensation of relief.

"My clients go away feeling very relaxed," said Gorer. "I'd ask them how long the effect lasts, but sadly, I've had no repeat customers. Perhaps it lasts forever!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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