Written by Thelonius
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Topics: Babies

Saturday, 16 March 2013

image for Bad Babies Baffle Boffins
If you died, I'd eat your eyeballs first

A study has shown that even very young babies may have a mean streak.  Apparently, they very much enjoy seeing puppets which make food choices they don't approve of getting punished.  This charming behavior begins as early as 9 months.  The work, done in Vancouver, British Columbia seems to indicate that behaviors previously believed to occur randomly, may frequently be preplanned in a shockingly elaborate way.

There has been a reluctance in the scientific community to release the results.  It was feared the knowledge that much of the inconvenience of existing with a baby is unnecessary, would be demoralizing to struggling parents.

The study though, has perhaps removed some of the mysteries behind baby behavior.

For example, when you and your spouse try to take a few short moments for a little "one on one", and baby starts to cry, don't bother asking "Why now?".  You know why.

Or when you've just changed a heaping diaper, and not five minutes later it's full again, you need only wonder at the kind of control it took to accomplish that, as you already know why it was accomplished.

You no longer need to be surprised when they sleep "like a baby" the night before a flight, as you know they are storing up the energy required to stay awake through as much of the next day as is possible.

Baby behavior now more clearly understood includes evacuation of the bowel in church, throwing up on you in direct correlation to how well you're dressed, feigning ignorance during potty training sessions, touching themselves "down there" at Gramma's, "forgetting" how to shake the rattle for the inlaws, and having tantrums at the supermarket whenever you run into someone you know.  

There seems to be little if any correlation between this behavior and difficult births, or drinking mothers, or smoking mothers.  Babies just seem to want to be assholes as early in life as possible.

Scientists have little to say when asked what can be done.  After all, they're just little babies.  You're pretty much fucked at this point.  Parents are advised to try to be patient and to get even at a later date. 

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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