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Wednesday, 20 February 2013

image for New iPhone to adjust user volume
Beta model with airbag deployed

The latest iPhone has been announced with a number of features to adjust both ringtone and user volume according to the surroundings. A novel app now allows for an airbag to be deployed when the speaker reaches an innapropriate threshold when barking the word 'HELLO'. Apple state that this has been designed with user safety in mind, as the airbag can deflect the worst effects of a punch in the teeth.

As an enhancement, the iPhone can also be fitted with an algorithm that detects the background sounds associated with travelling in a train carriage, automatically triggering the 'taser' function along with the airbag. A playful warning jolt is also administered when certain key phrases are used, like 'touch base', 'rock up' and 'win win'.

The iPhone is also able to recognise certain types of stress from intonation and can protect other end of the call. Whining, nagging and marital threats all trigger a reduction in the automatic gain control reducing the signal transmitted, enveloping the listener in a comforting silence. The makers are toying with inserting soothing yet appropriate background music, such as Chris Rea's 'road to hell', when this type of traffic is detected.

Apple have withdrawn an earlier app that enabled users to filter unsolicited calls and inflict an automated recorded response of the sound of a 'really good wank' back at the offending call centre. The auto-response was initially designed to be triggered if the caller number is with-held. Unfortunately this resulted in some confusion for those working in government departments getting a call from the boss. Users can now 'opt in' to this feature for a strictly limited set of phone numbers, likely to be used for vote canvassing during local by-elections.

The iPhone has an additional failsafe, where it will automatically self-destruct if programmed with that 'circus clown car horn' parpy ringtone.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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