Written by TomFoolery
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Topics: Hollywood, Detroit

Wednesday, 23 August 2006

image for Look Out Big Oil, There's a New Kid in Town!
Would You Like Fries With That??

DETROIT (MotorNews)--With oil prices at astronomical heights, Hollywood and Motown have teamed up to do what diplomacy and armed conflict haven't been able to accomplish: to deliver to the American people an alternative to long lines at the gas station and empty wallets after each fill up. Introducing the Back-to-the-Future Delorean DMC12!!

Too good to be true? Until the first unit hovered at the end of the assembly line, the crazy concept car was a mere cinematic concoction. But now, for a few dollars more than your average hybrid, you, too, can be the proud owner of this petrophobic paragon of promise.

Though significant modifications have been made to the original design, and in keeping with the sentiments of tree huggers and conservationists, most of the materials used to fabricate the fantastic flivver are recycled junkyard jetsam. So, while you're behind the wheel of a futuristic phenomenon, at the same time you're the proud owner of a piece of nostalgia. Who knows, you might even be driving some or all of your own previously owned abandoned automobile.

With driver comfort and convenience always a concern, the fuel intake chamber has been moved from the trunk area to the dashboard. That way, the driver, and even front seat passengers, can "feed the kitty," so to speak, with things that would ordinarily be thrown out the window as litter. What's more, significant discounts are available at drive-thru fast food establishments when you announce that you're going to dispose of your trash (as well as unconsumed consumables) right in the car itself! Some well-known chains have already begun upgrades to their buildings to accommodate the fly-thru, hover capability of the trend-setting traffic tamer.

The squeaky wheels at major U.S. Oil companies, obviously miffed at this development that represents a drastic drain on their dollar dynasty, have lobbied Congress to make gasoline consumption an optional fuel source. However, given a choice between messy, gooey, stinky, yucky crude (i.e. Big Oil) and the Big Mac, both the House and Senate have decided unanimously to thumb (and hold) their noses at the gasoline giants and order up subsidies for the likes of Mickey D's.

Demand for the multi-functional machine is expected to grow rather slowly, however. And, when you stop to think about it, that should be no real surprise. Since the amazing auto, along with its amazing time travel and sound barrier breaking land speed, also has an aerial capability, the price tag, along with the usual additional cost of "title, tax and tags," will also require a pilot's license and temporal shift certificate. Consumers might fly right out to the nearest dealer, but not everyone will zoom straight out of the lot.

While this latest and greatest human achievement will revolutionize the way we travel, oil barons are still expected to maintain their strangle hold on those less fortunates who can't afford to make the quantum leap. OPEC's ability to jerk the world around on a leash, nonetheless, has been quantifiably curtailed. And now the U.S. won't have to conduct foreign policy based on an obsession with oil.

Health officials across the country are currently mobilizing and strategizing, soon to unleash their all-out campaign against what they're calling "Junk Food Diplomacy."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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