In his last key note speech as a serious scientist, before academia renounces him as a television personality, Professor Brian Cox will explain how String Theory can explain everything.
"String is amazing," said Oldham-born Cox. "The universe isn't made up of string, but exists so that string has somewhere to be. String is that important."
String can be used to explain why oranges do not roll around on the floor, or why balloons don't just float away, as they look like they should.
"String theory is a beautiful theory," said Cox, laconically. "There is music in strings. Indeed, there's an entire section of an orchestra given over to them. This is how it should be."
There's even love in strings, as Cox explains.
"We all know about the G-string, the string of love," said Cox. "I'm wearing one now."
As String Theory can explain everything, as well as love, it also explains evil.
"Who hasn't been tied to a bedstead and been softly whipped by jam covered string taken from a supermarket ham shank?" asked Cox. "This is the dark side of string."
Love, evil, and holding the universe together, String Theory seems to have it all, but there is more.
"String can feed people," said Cox, "when String Theory is applied in a net way, to catch fish or small birds. String Theory can keep people warm, when it is used to create a vest. String is truley wonderful."
According to Brian, string entertains felines for hours on end, can keep shoes on your feet or help people's memory by applying a topological structure around an index finger.
"I would like the world to see the beauty in String Theory," said Cox. "And it's not true that I've lost all scientific credibility."