New York NY: The Columbia University School of Abnormal Psychology has developed a mathematical computer model to predict the interests of current and former political figures after they leave office.
Professor Freud (no relation to Sigmund) explained that every politician has a large ego, is narcissistic and believes only he or she knows the correct answers to all problems. That being the case, a mathematical model was constructed on more practical parameters such as: achieving the greater good [GG]; holding elected political office [PO]; a desire to participate in private enterprise [PE]; and accumulation of wealth [W].
Reporters observed computer executed test cases for Democratic political figures Al Gore of Tennessee, Hillary Clinton of New York and Barack Obama of Illinois.
Al Gore: US Senator and Vice President of the USA [PO]; environmental guru of an unproven theory of climate change caused by fossil fuels producing CO2 [GG]; Current TV owner [PE]; sold Current TV to the Qatar (oil wells) based Al Jazeera network for millions of dollars [W]. Confidence of the results 100%!
Hillary Clinton: partner in a successful law firm [PE] [W]; First lady, US Senator and US Secretary of State [PO]; may become a Nun [GG]. Confidence of the results 0%!
Barack Obama: Chicago community organizer and law lecturer [GG]; US Senator and President of the USA [PO]; may write memoirs, do the lecture circuit, establish Washington DC K Street consulting (lobbyist) firm and become a Republican [PE] [W]. Confidence of the results 0%!
Reporters were a bit skeptical of the predicted results, but Professor Freud indicated one out of three isn't bad either! Also the mathematical model was written by a graduate student majoring in ancient alien software technology and psychology. The model consisting of lots of integrals and squiggly Greek letters, possibly needs some software tweaking. Additional federal grant funding would be required.
Reporters were also concerned no Republican politicians were included in the initial trials. Professor Freud indicated that in this part of the country Republican politicians are as rare as finding a Whale in NY's Lake George!