Written by David Grant
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Topics: NASA, Coca Cola, sponsors

Friday, 25 January 2013

image for Cigarette Lighters in Spaceships?
Orion Ring-Pull Assembly

The proposed development of Orion, the interplanetary spacecraft, has been delayed due to confused sponsors. The joint NASA and ESA project depends on funding from Coca Cola and Rolls Royce. These companies are not happy about their respective involvement.

Coca Cola were under the impression that they were providing the design for the service module. They have sent in drawings that depict the service module as a giant can of coke complete with a ring-pull near the rocket thruster. Although they have only designed pressurized containers for carbonated drinks, they are sure that they can "Get the liquid hydrogen thing right eventually," as one spokesperson said. They had planned to include their secret ingredient within the hydrogen.

Rolls Royce believed that they were in charge of designing and manufacturing the command module. NASA commented that the proposed indicators, steering wheel, and cigarette lighter were not only useless but also that the electric windows were downright dangerous.

NASA and ESA have allowed Coca Cola to broadcast a radio message from the spacecraft to any aliens that can hear it. It is a song sung to the melody of I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing. It goes like this:

"I'd like to fly the universe, and furnish it with Coke,

doo dee doo,

grow sugar trees near caffeine seas, and turn them into Coke."

A NASA spokesperson commented, "I think that we missed a trick with Rolls Royce. If we had gone with their command module, they were prepared to give us a warranty that included sending out a qualified and certified mechanic to fix any problem. Although it was only good for the first 120 million miles."

There might already be problems with the dimensions of the command module, as the American inches could have been interpreted by ESA as centimetres. NASA said that just in case of problems they have a back-up crew of pygmy astronauts standing by.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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