DALLAS, Texas (ABSNN) - Texas, long the foe of evolution, is back in the news today thanks to a report from a Texas veterinarian who told reporters that DNA samples prove that the legendary "Bigfoot is part human-well, at least Bigfoot's penis is human."
Melba S. Ketchum, DVM, claims she took "three purported Bigfoot genome samples obtained from an online cryptozoology site that suggests such cryptids had sex with modern human females that resulted in hairy hominin hybrids."
However, the Evolutionary Biological, scientific community, led by Dr. Richard Dawkins, remains skeptical about her claim.
"I'm actually quite flummoxed," he said.
Dawkins told graduate students gathered at the University of Texas' Austin Campus, "I find it stunning to believe that all three whole genome samples from the so-called Sasquatch, or Bigfoot, were obtained from samples identical to a Polynesian male's penis, which is where they came from, and that is a biological certainty!"
For the sake of clarity, and because Ketchum's report speaks volumes about her scientific methodology, theSpoof.com is happy to print the following excerpt, verbatim, from her exhaustive report:
"A team of scientists can verify that their five-year-long DNA study, currently under peer review, confirms the existence of a novel hominin hybrid species, commonly called Bigfoot or Sasquatch, living in North America.
"Researchers' extensive DNA sequencing suggests that the legendary Sasquatch is a human relative that arose approximately 15,000 years ago."
Dawkins, ever the droll British scientist, disagreed, pointing out to the gathered students, "What this "evidence" really suggests is that some, as yet unknown, male, Polynesian DNA tester was masturbating."
We will keep you informed