A new study has studied that smacking can lead to cancer! Shock and horror would be two of the emotions Back and to the Left news would be feeling if we could indeed feel human emotions anymore. But with scientists discovering a link between cancer and smacking the race is now on to eliminate the last few things in the world the currently don't cause cancer.
A scientist said (we had to get him to repeat himself in easier to understand language several times):
"It's all very exciting. There's only a handful of things out there that don't cause cancer, or that we think don't cause it, but we are working on discovering their links. I think that by Christmas we'll have proved inconclusively that everything causes cancer. Speaking of Christmas, avoid it, it causes cancer"
Asked if he thought that medical research was just getting lazy and blaming everything on cancer rather than looking for other solutions he said:
"Probably but you know what happens if you doubt medical advice?"
He paused and smiled, we nodded sagely, we knew. It had been proven last week that doubting medical advice is a major factor in the increasing rates of bum cancer.