In a discovery that has alarmed many, the New York Times reports that astrophysicists at UC Santa Barbara have calculated a significant acceleration in the leftward rotation of the Milky Way. The serendipitous discovery came about when the lab's young scientists noted that those who had always hung right were now hanging left. Calculations confirmed the initial measurements and observations.
In response to concerns expressed by Americans who preferred their former rightward dangle, the White House Science Advisor was quoted as saying that there was nothing to worry about, and that such changes in orientation have occurred before and will likely occur again, but that in the short term at least, the righties would have to adapt. The Times noted that stock in the Hanes company had soared to new heights.
The Union of Concerned Scientists, however, raised the possibility that the data may have been affected by proximity to San Francisco and have urged a recalculation of national dangle to include the heartland. Temporarily suspending efforts to debunk global warming and find the God particle, the Union pointed out that from the other end of the galaxy, the new rotation would appear rightward.
Press Secretary Jay Carney, responding to a Fox News reporter's impertinent question on the controversy, refused to expose his own orientation or to reveal how the president swung, although you can probably guess, he said. After being asked for the source of his information, Carney retracted his statement, saying only that the matter is currently under investigation.