Written by IainB
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Thursday, 6 September 2012

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Ken Gorns does not believe Landon Mass

A controversial new theory has been unveiled to provide a new reason for the Pennines, the range of hills in the UK that are home to - at any one time - three thousand lost ramblers.

The mainstream theory is that Scotland banged into England, and like a rear shunt in a car, crumpled both, creating Scottish mountains and the English hills.

"There is always more damage to the car that crashes into you," said professor of tectonic plate movement at Cambridge University, Landon Mass. "This is why Scottish have mountains and the English have hills."

Now Mass has proposed a new theory.

"Scotland is very cold," said Mass. "London is very warm."

According to Mass, standard physics shows that when one end of an object is heated and the other end is cooled, the middle buckles.

"Effectively," said Mass, "The constant heating of the south coast, and the constant rain, wind and cold over Scotland has resulted in the middle of Britain crumpling like a discard crisp packet."

Mass also blames the constant rain over Wales for the Welsh hills and valleys, which have formed in the same way that the tips of fingers get wrinkly in the bath.

"As elegant as the theory is," said Ken Gorns, a Welsh geologist from Wales. "It's bollocks. It doesn't explain where Ben Nevis came from. Did it just fall from the sky?"

Mass has publicly thanked Gorns for providing a solution to the one aspect of his theory that he had not ironed out.

"Unlike Norfolk," said Mass. "Which I have ironed out."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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