METROPOLIS (AP) Superman creators Joe Shuster, Jerry Siegel, and DC Comics filed suit today against physicist Stephen Hawking. The famed wheelchair bound Professor Hawking, who speaks through a computerized voice box after being left paralyzed by motor neuron disease at the age of 20, has recently theorized that the survival of the human race depends on its ability to find new homes elsewhere in the universe because there's an increasing risk that a disaster (induced by global warming) will destroy Earth.
The DC Comics suit claims that Stephen Hawking has simply lifted the story of Jor-El on the planet Krypton and presented the doomsday scenario as his own creation. Any youngster who has ever sat wide-eyed reading a copy of Superman #1 comic book knows that's where Hawking got his idea.
At the Daily Planet, editor Perry White said, "Jor-El discovered that Krypton's red sun had become unstable and had begun generating sporadic waves of deadly solar flare activity. Such intense ultraviolet radiation threatened to consume and ultimately destroy Krypton. He brought these concerns before the reigning Science Council, but rather than take immediate action, they instead decided to deliberate in committee so they could properly analyze the situation."
"Jor-El went home and began constructing a special teleportation device designed to transmit solid matter across great galactic distances. It was Jor-El's hope that with enough time and research, he could adapt the device so that it could relocate all of Krypton's major population centers to a surrogate home world far away. Without the Science Council's support however, his work proceeded slowly and he was unable to perfect the device to his desired specifications. He succeeded in completing a prototype model, but it was only capable of transmitting small volumes of material. As the time of Krypton's imminent destruction grew near, Jor-El knew that it would be impossible to perfect the teleporter in time to save the populace. However, he was able to save his son. Jor-El placed baby Kal-El inside the teleporter and transmitted his atoms across galaxies where the baby rematerialized safely on a world known as Earth."
This, of course, is how Kal-El came to our planet -- and soon became known as Superman.
Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound:
'Look, up in the sky!"
'It's a bird!"
'It's a plane!"
Now along comes Stephen Hawking and "his" doomsday theories. What next? Is the professor going to get out of his wheelchair and build a teleporter to take doomed Earthlings to some new planet? Is Stephen Hawking planning on teleporting just himself into some new cosmic dimension? Does he want to be the next Superman?
A spokesman for the Norwegian Nobel Institute said, "For many years we have been considering giving the Nobel Prize in Physics to Professor Hawking. His book, A Brief History of Time was a real page-turner. But now that we have seen how Hawking has stolen all his doomsday ideas from a Superman comic book, it will be a cold day in the coming new Ice Age before we ever give any prize to that funny-talking guy!"
Back at the Daily Planet, reporter Lois Lane is desperately trying to summon Superman. "I've got to tell Superman about Stephen Hawking's plans. Superman will probably send Hawking off to the Fifth Dimension -- along with that troublesome Mister Mxyzptlk. Only Superman will be able to save the Earth from the evil Professor Hawking.