Written by Gail Farrelly
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Topics: The Spoof, Space

Monday, 26 June 2006

image for Camera on Hubble Space Telescope Shuts Down, Vengeful Martians Are To Blame

Disgusted with the breakdown of the main camera on the Hubble telescope, NASA scientists are madly scrambling to fix the problem. Meanwhile, intergalactic sources exclusive to The Spoof have been able to discover the TRUE story (and it's not pretty!) behind the Hubble breakdown. Here's the scoop:

For years now, Martians have watched the planet Earth spend tons of money spying on the planet Mars. The Martians didn't like being spied on. They got mad; more important, they got even. They reversed the direction of the surveillance equipment Earth had been using. Now Earth is the observed; Mars, the observer. The Hubble camera isn't broken at all; it's just that pictures of earth are now being transmitted to Mars, instead of vice versa.

Spoof spies report that the Martians are watching and waiting, manning the camera (they now call it EarthSpy) on the Hubble and plotting revenge against their neighbors who had initiated the unauthorized photo surveillance. Martians are perfect predictors, so they have found surveillance of Las Vegas casinos to be especially interesting. They can't lose; Vegas will be their first stop when they begin their quest for revenge against Earthlings.

After Vegas, it's on to a bigger and better casino, the New York Stock Exchange. They figure that playing the stock market will be ever so much more civilized, fun, and profitable than playing the slot machines in Vegas. And the hours are more regular too. The Martians are busy custom-ordering some business suits from Brooks Brothers and studying the advice of economist John Maynard Keynes. As Keynes once pointed out, guessing at the short-term future of stocks is like a game of Musical Chairs; when the music stops, some of the players will find themselves unseated. The Martians, with perfect powers of prediction, will never be the unseated players!

Once they've conquered Vegas and Wall Street, the renegade Martians will head to Hollywood. Rumor has it that they are already in negotiation with Steven Spielberg to star in the sequel to his 1982 classic, "E.T." And they won't even have to worry about phoning home. They'll just e-mail instead!

Meanwhile, earnest but clueless American scientists struggle to "repair" the main camera on the Hubble, providing lots of laughs for the Martians monitoring the EarthSpy camera. As Francis Bacon once said, "Revenge is a kind of wild justice."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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