Written by IainB
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Monday, 13 August 2012

image for Quantum experiment accidentally splits the universe in two
Apparently, he's know in a wheelchair

Scientists at Cambridge university have accidentally split the entire Universe into two.

"We're very sorry," said Kate Bifur, professor of quantum theory at Cambridge. "It was an accident."

According to the incident log, the split occurred at nine in the morning on the fifteenth of August 2419, and the effects are just being felt now.

"Apparently, one of my successors will perform the experiment that I've just come up with," said Bifur. "What we came up with is measuring the quantum properties of something as massive as the sun itself. Trying to measure it's velocity and location with absolute precision. Sadly, this causes the whole universe to split."

The split has already passed through the twenty-first century, and is expected to hit the start of time sometime on Wednesday.

"We don't really know what will happen when the whole of time is split in two," said Bifur. "Either we'll all get a little longer in bed, or it'll be the end of everything as we know it."

This is not the only theory of what will happen. "Of course," said Bifur. "We might not notice anything."

Although physicists were measuring very closely, the split as it passed today was very difficult to detect.

"There was a brief spike in the number of muon neutrinos picked up at the CERN detector," said Bifur. "This was as predicted and happened in the exact millisecond it was predicted."

Proponents of the multiverse theory believe that this is not the first time that this has happened.

"I had a phone call off Stephen Hawking," said Bifur. Since the split, apparently, he's been in a wheelchair, and more peculiarly, people believe he's always been in a wheelchair. It would appear that only myself and him know any different. It's okay though, he's not going to sue me."

Bifur is asking for the general public to get in touch with the Quantum Physics lab in Cambridge to report any strange anomalies that took place this morning.

"We'd love to hear from people," said Bifur. "Physicist don't get out much."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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