Written by John Langlois
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Topics: Texas, Marketing

Sunday, 18 June 2006

image for Yogurt Cultures Unite Against Whole Foods Lobster Ban
Bacteria Protest Whole Foods Live Food Ban

Downhome, TX - Fearing that the recent ban by Whole Foods on live lobsters could lead to a broader ban on other living foods, the yogurt cultures in Texas formed a marketing coalition to get the message out that they actually want people to eat them.

Communicating through a voice synthesis box, the bacteria spokesman called Aci Dophilus said, "You really have to nip this "don't eat live stuff" idea in the bud. First they ban live lobsters, the next thing you know it will be anything that has live critters in it. Who thinks up this crap anyway?"

Spokesmen at Whole Foods said they had no plans to ban the sale of yogurt containing live bacteria, but really hadn't given the matter much thought.

About the ban on live lobsters John Mackey, Whole Foods' co-founder and chief executive, said in a statement "We place as much emphasis on the importance of humane treatment and quality of life for all animals as we do on the expectations for quality and flavor."

The yogurt cultures responded, "Look, we need people to eat us, okay. To be frank, we live in your digestive tracts because it's warm, moist and has an ample supply of food. We get really bored just staying in the dairy case all day and would like some better scenery."

Animal rights activists seemed perplexed that the yogurt cultures had gone to the trouble to organize and communicate with humans. "We have a whole new group we can protect now," said one young woman.

"We don't need their stinking protection," the angry bacteria replied. "Look, we inhabited this planet for eons before you people climbed down out of the trees. Granted, you did us a favor by figuring out how to grow us inside yogurt, but let's not lose site of the important thing, which is us. We will be here long after you have died from refusing to eat anything that ever was alive. You people would really benefit from a little "food chain 101 study."

Following those comments the bacteria flagellated off in a huff.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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