Written by John Langlois
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Topics: Cows, poor

Sunday, 18 June 2006

image for Dean Foods Implements "Porta-Potties" for Cows.
Cows Try Using Porta-potty

Denver, CO -As the accompanying photo illustrates, cows can be trained to use the ever popular portable toilets, at least according to Dean Foods. In an attempt to repair their poor public perception in the organic farm community, Dean Foods recently began providing "Porta-Potties" for their cows.

Local residents had complained for years that the smell coming from the manure of dairy cows kept in confinement lots was overwhelming. Cows can process enough food in one week to cover the ground several inches deep in manure. They also process as much as 90 gallons of water per day. By training the cows to "go" in the portable toilets, Dean hopes to be able to contain the smell.

"We're trying to be good neighbors," a spokesman for the company said, "but some of the cows are just a little too big to fit in these things. We pretty much have them trained to back into the unit, but if several need to go at once things can get a bit messy. Thank goodness they don't have to flush."

When asked whether it would be simpler just to keep more cows on separate farms in multiple locations the spokesman said, "Sure it would. But then we might not make as much money. Besides, the government is paying us a "development study fee" for this program. Man, those people are so dumb."

Ironically, workers at the Dean Farm site also had to resort to answering nature's call on nearby trees out of fear that a cow could back in on them at any moment.

"There's nothing scarier than 1,500 pounds of bovine butt bearing down you," a harried employee said.

Most of the cows seemed relieved to have a way to go and not have to walk around in their poo.

When asked whether this program could have applications for pork or chicken a spokesman noted, "Are you nuts? Chickens would fall through the hole in the seat. Pig poop gets explosive so fast that a Porta-potty would have to be classified as a hazardous containment device."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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