Bonn, Germany - "We never saw that one coming," said Dr. Fenton Weirdbank, head of research at the Bonn International Center for Genetic Research.
"For years we have thought there might be a genetic predisposition for homosexuality on one of the genes that gets activated at puberty. We have been attempting to isolate the expression of that gene.
Little did we suspect that the same gene is also responsible for fundamentalist thinking. But when we went through the sequence step by step we saw it. The only difference between a person becoming gay or a fundamentalist is that when the gene gets expressed, the helix in the DNA becomes straighter and more rigid in the fundamentalist."
"It looks like a Home Depot Extension Ladder," said Weirdbank.
According to the report, the opposite happens in the homosexual, the same gene becomes more flexible and adds receptors for additional color perception and style detection.
Fundamentalists were outraged at the news, claiming that their choices to be rigid and judgmental have nothing to do with genetics. Nor were they sympathetic when leading gay activists suggested "We are really much closer than either of us realized."
Two things still have the scientists baffled. One is what sets the gene in motion to begin with and the other is why so many people never experience either expression of the gene.
"It would be easy to blame it on testosterone or some other hormone, but we can't find any proof," noted Weirdbank.
"The closest we have come to finding the answer was when we soaked the genes in a solution of bourbon. The rigid genes relaxed and developed the receptors for color," he noted.
Asked about "gay fundamentalists" as a possibility, Weirdbank noted "all the information is there, so they could become either at almost any point in their lives."
Upon hearing this, Pat Robertson called for the assassination of any fundamentalist who supports gay rights, except for those who are regular contributors to the 700 club.
Leaders for the gay rights community said, "Oh, go be a fundy for a while. Just be sure to dress well. You'll stand out like a tea cup pinkie."