Written by Brett Taylor
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Thursday, 19 July 2012

Physicists recently made headlines by announcing their discovery of the Higgs boson-the long sought-after, so-called "God Particle." The God Particle would explain pretty much everything in the universe. Or so the media report. According to reputable scientists, who understand these things, such a particle would explain why objects have mass, which would explain a lot of other things, somehow.

Unfortunately, it seems the reports of the finding are a little premature. Higgs Boson has indeed been found, but it's the wrong Higgs Boson. This Higgs Boson is a well known patron at pubs in the Blackpool area, famous for forgetting to pay up, and a bit on the round side, to be polite about it.

He was found at a fish and chips shop, not a particularly renowned one. In fact, it's so out of the way and unmemorable it doesn't even have a proper name, just a sign that says "Fish and Chips." We asked Harry Applbaum, the proprietor, about Higgs Boson. "Higgy?" he says. "Sure, I know him. He's usually quiet, but now and again you have to keep an eye out for him. One time he got sick and razzed on a lady's mink coat. He was very sorry about it the next day. She shouldn't have worn something like that in here anyway. Another time they found him in the back having it off with a billiard table."

"I've been looking for that bastard for weeks," says Al Montebottom, a local stevedore. "He owes me ten quid. If you see him, you remind him about it." Also, it seems his wife, Margaret Boson, is looking for him as well. She's afraid he's gone off with some tart, although, considering his lack of charm and tendency to fall asleep, that doesn't seem too likely.

Word got out that Higgs was being looked for, leading to confusion when a local reporter stopped by for a pint or two. "In fact, we're no closer to finding the God particle than the cavemen were," says Stanford theoretical physicist Michael Peskin. "But that won't stop us from blowing huge amounts of money looking for it. We're scientists, what else are we going to do?"

In fact, it may be misleading to refer to single God particle, according to another Stanford physicist, Tim Barklow. "You see, the God particle is actually made of five distinct particles. Each one must be ranked on a scale from one to five sigma. This particle had a two sigma finding, which is actually very good." He pauses. Oh, what's the use? You're not going to print all this, are you? And if you do, no one will understand it. Are you listening to me?" He said some more, but we didn't bother to get it down.

So the reports of the God particle may be a bit premature. None of this surprises the locals, most of whom scoffed at the story from the beginning. "God particle, my right eye," says Montebottom. "Higgy ain't no God particle. Particle of shit, if you ask me."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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