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Monday, 9 July 2012

image for NASA to Research Particle Theory of Galactic Fairness
In the Galactic Fairness Region of Space, Everyone is a Millionaire Supermodel Nobel Prize Winner.

WASHINGTON, DC - While the scientists at CERN in Europe spent July 4th announcing their discovery of a Higgs Boson particle, America's government scientists at NASA were busy writing a "brilliant" thesis on why they are not "losers." While the scientists at CERN in Europe are publishing data on the "God Particle" Proton-Proton collision at the Large Hadron Collider, NASA scientists insist they have some "really brilliant stuff" (but they can't show it to us because of nondisclosure agreements and privacy concerns).

Rolf-Dieter Heuer, director general of CERN, "rocked the house" in Geneva with Super-Megapixel images and animations which detailed the complex quantum physics and particle interactions that are scarcely seen outside of exploding stars.

In the United States, the phrase "Steven Chu Sucks" was more common among individuals familiar with the US government's scientific "achievements" under the Obama administration. When $536 Million went down the toilet known as Solyndra, Steven Chu provided the government-backed "loan" (at tax-payer expense). In April 2010, when an oil drilling platform in the Gulf of Mexico exploded, Steven Chu had been appointed by President Obama as the US Secretary of Energy, and advised the President directly. Doctor Chu gave President Obama the "brilliant" recommendation to "Plug-the-Damn-Hole", and this advice was so incredibility intellectual that President Obama used the phrase "Plug-the-Damn-Hole" in speaking to the American people.

Although Chu won the Nobel Prize in 1997 for "trapping" atoms through the use of laser light in extreme cold near the temperature of Absolute Zero, he has been strongly criticized as "not having a clue about the Real World." Many expect that the 2012 election will force the Obama Administration to make "bold advances" in technology and science, so that his ties to massive bankruptcies in government-funded Solar and Green Energy projects are forgotten.

Steven Chu, US Department of Energy: The US Federal government is dedicated to economic growth, and economic growth is driven by two things - spending and fairness. We are now prepared to increase Fairness through Super-Science. NASA space expeditions have great confidence in what is known as the Galactic Fairness Region, an area where Fairness permeates everything at the sub-quantum atomic particle level. Meanwhile, efforts to detect the same Galactic Fairness on streets, cities, lakes, and mountains in all of the 50 States in America indicate another force which completely counteracts Sub-Quantum Atomic Particle Fairness. We call this - Force "W".

Although "Top Scientists" in the Obama Administration cannot explain how Force "W" works, they are quick to list the many ways in which Obama's Supremely Wise-and-Benevolent rulership has been thwarted by "headwinds" of Force "W":

  • Force "W" creates "Invisible Darkness" which can prevent Solar Panels from providing 90% of US Energy.
  • Force "W" can cause "Shovel-Readiness Inversion", resulting in government projects not being as shovel-ready as expected.
  • Force "W" can cause Tsunami-related supply interruptions which negatively impact US manufacturing.
  • Force "W" raises the US Debt by $5 TRILLION even though Obama cut spending by $2 Trillion after inheriting a $1 Trillion Deficit.
  • Force "W" made $1.6 Billion disappear from MF Global - while its CEO John Corzine who raised $500,000 in Obama re-election funds did nothing wrong.
  • Force "W" can cause Hurricanes to flood coastal cites in the middle of swamps, even if they are below sea-level after levies "created" new real-estate.
  • Force "W" makes reasonable Conventions by Federal Agencies look like grotesque wastes of taxpayer money. (see GSA in Las Vegas and Hawaii)
  • Force "W" almost caused the Polar Ice-Caps to explode and flood the planet, but President Obama flew around the Earth backwards to reverse time and save more than 6 Billion human beings, even though they have been totally ungrateful and should accept Obama as Eternal Earth-Ruler and Savior.

David Axelrod was quick to condemn opponents of Galactic Sub-Quantum Atomic Particle Fairness research, saying a refusal to spend $9 Trillion on an 11-year plan displayed clear Anti-Science, Flat-Earth, Pro-Nazi, Puppy-Hating Unfairness. He then added that the only reason Americans were against taxation without limits from bureaucratic, self-serving parasites in Washington DC was completely a matter of bias against color of skin.

Al Gore held a press conference on the following day, praising President Obama's support for Galactic Sub-Quantum Atomic Particle Fairness research, and rated it as the newest and most promising technology to save the universe from Global Warming.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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