Written by Gary Potter
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Wednesday, 4 July 2012

image for Shock of shocks! Cern 'discover' Higgs boson just as predicted!
Not the white elephant of the Hadron Collider

The Higgs boson, the particle that has cost untold billions of dollars to detect, has potentially been discovered, just as the Cern scientists said it would be earlier in the year.

The Hadron collider is due to be shut down at the end of the year for maintenence and upgrading, costing yet more money. This announcement that something might have been found, will no doubt quelle fears that the project was a pointless disgusting waste of money.

The Higgs boson, often given the emotionally charged nickname of the 'God' particle, has infact got nothing at all to do with religion. It is a component required for theoretical physics, and has been assumed to exist for years. Now scientists have cast iron proof that it possibly just might exist.

We asked out science expert for his analysis "The Higgs boson is said to give particles mass (not religious mass btw). Physicists have theorised of its existence. A lot of hoo haa will be made about the discovery but it has no practicle application as yet. It can be compared with the theory of evolution. There are many geneticists who carry out their work without believing that pond scum can magic into a human - they carry out their work by observing empirical facts, they don't need to buy into a fantasy like evolution. Likewise, a doctor does not need to believe your great auntie betty was an orangutan to administer antibiotics to cure her. Therefore a particle that requires a hadron collider to possibly even detect will have no realworld effect on anyone."

The next level of Hadron Collider is currently being planned. It circles the entire Earth, and will possibly detect where the missing 80% of the universe is hidden as dark matter. It is estimated to cost in the region of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and at the end of the research the scientists will hopefully announce that they might have found something. Possibly. Maybe

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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