Written by IainB
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Monday, 18 June 2012

image for The Dyson bird feeder is not 100% squirrel proof
Cue the Mission Impossible music, I'm going in dressed as an emu

In his bid to make the world are more aesthetic place that is safer, easier to navigate and largely yellow and purple, Dyson's new range of bird feeders have hit the trees and branches of suburbia.

"It's an elegant design," said Ellie James, an early adopter of the bird feeder. "The yellow and purple does tend to put some of the birds off, though. Those that can see yellow and purple, mainly. For the others, I'm sure it's an interesting talking point."

The problem with all bird feeders is that, in general, squirrels are more intelligent, and better adapted for extracting every last seed from the feeder than any bird.

"We did discover that crows are even cleverer than squirrels," said James. "They wait until the squirrel has extracted all the nuts and seeds, then they kill the squirrel and eat that."

Dyson's original intention was to use facial recognition technology to determine the species of animal at the bird feeder, and deliver the optimum amount of seed for the species of bird, and the optimum amount of electricity to provide crows with barbecued squirrel.

"It was working like a charm," said James. "I've put three of the feeders in my garden. They put the flowers to shame, especially in the winter when all the flowers are dead. It's a little splash of colour. At first, only birds were getting food, although I did have to go out each day and remove the piles of squirrels."

It turns out that squirrels are smarter than James Dyson, the inventor of the Dyson Bird Feeder.

"What we discovered the squirrels doing," said James, "was making little feathery masks. They'd put them on and go and wait at the little door, at which point the bird feeder would dispense the seed. One particular squirrel made an ostrich mask, and completely emptied the feeder."

There is now an arms race between Dyson and Squirrels, and industry analysts aren't sure who will win.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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