Written by IainB
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Saturday, 16 June 2012

image for Dyson introduce Safe Water
Go on, try and drown if you can.

For several million years water has been the most dangerous thing on the planet to humans. Its danger to humans has been in existence far longer than fire, building collapse or turning up to a party in the same dress as that woman from thirty-five who you hate.

This is finally set to change as Dyson launch SafeWater.

"This is a revolution in water," said James Dyson (no relation). "No longer do we have to worry about possibly drowning while having a long cooling drink. With SafeWater we can drink water safe in the knowledge that we cannot possibly drown."

Using patented anti-drowning technology, Dyson have yet again done what many predicted was impossible, and made water safe.

"We cannot go into too many details," said Dyson. "It would open up the market that we wish to sew up, but in essence, should you accidentally fall face down into SafeWater, it instantly evaporates, and it's impossible to drown in fog. It can be difficult to see, but you cannot drown."

Swimming pools across the UK are looking at buying SafeWater for their pools.

But SafeWater has more safety features than just preventing drowning. By incorporating all the vital nutrients dissolved into the water, it can also prevent starvation for those that go onto a water only diet, and prevents the growth of harmful viruses and bacteria.

"Despite doing nothing but drink SafeWater for a week," said Dyson, "all of our test subjects, Minnie, Micky, Danger and Jerry, survived. Whilst our control subjects who were on ordinary tap water either drowned or died of starvation after a week."

With so many built in safety features, the US army's technological research arm, DAFTA, have contacted Dyson to supply the US Army with SafeWater.

"We need water our troops cannot drown in," said head of DAFTA, Colonel Saunders. "The leading cause of sudden deployment termination in Afghanistan is drowning. With SafeWater, we believe this sad state of affairs will be halved if not cut in two."

Dyson are only too happy to supply the US military with SafeWater, at a considerable mark-up, of course.

"We expect it," said Colonel Saunders. "We must stress that we will not use SafeWater for Water Boarding people. Honest."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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