Microsoft have set up a new system to help their estimated three billion customers. Whenever any slowdown happens, whenever a virus makes its way onto a computer, and whenever there is any kind of crash, they are instantly notified. This then allows them to ring the person with the problem and help them fix it.
"It's a marvellous system we've set up," said Bill Gates, who used to run Microsoft until he had too much money. "Any problem, anywhere in the world, we can fix it for you."
Certified Microsoft technicians can now work out a telephone number from the computer's IP Address (like the postal address, but for the computer), locate the name of the person associated with the telephone number, regardless of whether it is a genuine Windows product or not, and give them a ring.
"Due to cost," said Bill, "we've had to set our call centre up in Kalkata in India. In order to put people at ease, we've forced all the people in the call centres to adopt English names like Steve, and Darren. Some of the staff struggle to pronounce their own names, but it is a small price to pay."
After ringing the afflicted person up, who may or may not be aware that they even have a problem, and sometimes even a computer, the certified trained technician will then take the Windows user through a series of steps to install remote management software on the computer to allow the completely trustworthy technician access to all of the computers files, including the personal data of the computer owner.
"We know that there may be a worry that these call centre operators may be tempted to steal personal information, such as bank account details, credit card information and personal information to clone an identity," said Bill. "However, we fully vet all of our staff to make sure that they won't do such a thing, despite being paid a pittance."
After successfully installing malware and viruses onto a computer, and stealing all of the details they need, these highly respected Microsoft Technicians will only charge the measly sum of three hundred and eighty pounds.
"A bargain in anybody's books, surely," said Bill.
Further investigation has shown that the person purporting to be Bill Gates was Kirshna Patel, and that there is a page on the Microsoft web site telling their users to be wary of such cold calls.
"We wouldn't ring any of our users," said the real Bill Gates. "That would allow them to hurl abuse in our direction for all the misery we've heaped upon them. Tell them that you're on Linux, it works when they ring me."