Astronomers at the 'Telescope Jim' Observatory in Tokyo have found evidence of life on Mars. Dr. Hong Plutonium, Head of Looking at the observatory, said that although the evidence was yet to be interpreted in a properly scientific manner, it did appear that: "There are definitely Gasser Eels on Mars. We have seen them moving beneath the surface on what appear to be small tricycles - we know they're some kind of Strange Alien Transporter Device, which the Martians will eventually use to travel to Earth and destroy all life in the most horrendous fashion imaginable - but they've definitely got three wheels".
Asked to describe these 'Gasser' Eels, Dr. Hong took a huge draw on an extremely long 'cigarette', and told us: "Gasser Eels were once the sole inhabitants of Earth. They are about nine centimetres long, with very furtive eyes. It is said that when a Gasser Eel stares at you, you are cursed for a Thousand Generations, and your progeny shall wail, weep and moan all their lives, except when 'The Parping Saxophones' are on the radio, because they make you tap your feet. No actual fossil evidence has been found of Gassers; you can just tell".
Dr. Hong is no stranger to controversy. His 1967 book, 'Was God An Astronaut? But Different To The One Erich Von Daniken Wrote About Last Year?', was published amidst a storm of debate. In it he claims to have been visited by a man from Mars in a thin, cheap-looking plastic suit, who prophesised that unless Humankind realised the error of its ways, 'some tentacles' would 'get' them. He asserts that the man then disappeared in a red Morris Minor to the sound of loud explosions
Some of his fellow scientists mocked his theories - one even poured some acid down Dr. Hong's pants - but others were curious. Professor T. Dan Buildings of the University of Fees in England said that "Dr. Hong's hypotheses are not as idiotic, insane and the workings of the mind of a rambling lunatic as they first appear. His research methods are meticulously rigorous in their application, and his mathematical reasoning is second to none. I do disagree with his use of partial differential calculus to solve eliptical problems, but only because he uses a crayon. The world may yet live to regret its criticism, he has a keen intellect when he's let out'.
Dr. Hong is currently on sabbatical leave from The Lysergic Institute in New York, on full pay.