Is he shy? Too busy to engage with others? Fearful of capture?
The surprising answer is: None of the above. Bigfoot has been in touch with a Spoof reporter, explaining for the first time why he is in hiding.
It started with a simple text from Bigfoot, otherwise known as Sasquatch, to the offices of The Spoof. The text read as follows: "I h8t my name. Need a better one B4 I come out."
After this, there was quite a bit of email correspondence between Bigfoot and a Spoof reporter. Here's the skinny.
Bigfoot is insulted. He feels that the name Bigfoot is politically incorrect. In an email, he wrote, "Who else on the planet is saddled with an insulting name like that? It's bullying, plain and simple. Besides, there are a lot of politicians running around who would better wear the label of Bigfoot."
And as for his other name, Sasquatch? He considers that almost as bad. According to his email, Bigfoot's view is: "It sounds like a squash gone wrong. Y'know a squished squash. Whatever."
The reporter reminded Bigfoot of Shakespeare's famous quote "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Bigfoot's response? "Hogwash. Let Shakespeare go around with a name like mine for a while, then we'll talk."
Okay, then. Scientists need a new plan. Instead of setting up DNA tests related to possible sightings of Bigfoot, perhaps they should be working on finding him a new name -- and planning a christening ceremony.
"Is there an app for that?" Bigfoot wants to know.