Written by IainB
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Sunday, 20 May 2012

image for Food crisis solved by flesh eating bacteria
What's for dinner? Oh, a little streptococcus steak with e-coli jus

Many people in Britain live below the poverty line and struggle to get enough food to eat. As a result, rickets is making a comeback, as are nutritional disorders that Britain thought it had left in the middle ages.

"It's getting so bad," said nutritionist Claire Drinkwater, "that Food Aid have been sending planes full of rice to parts of Birmingham."

Britain is still a developed nation and part of the G8, so science has stepped up to the plate. Literally.

"If you took every living thing on the planet," said Drinkwater, "and weigh bacteria, and then weighed plants, animals and fungus, the bacteria would outweigh the rest by ten to one. For every cell of every plant, animal and fungus, there are ten bacterial cells. That's a lot of bacteria."

Individually, a single bacterial cell is not very nutritious, but a hundred million of them, and you have a meal sized portion. With such an array of bacteria out there, every single human nutritional requirement is catered for, from vitamin A to Zinc.

"Not all bacteria are good to eat," admitted Drinkwater. "In fact, some of them can kill you. But the same is true of plants and animals. A blowfish liver will kill, deadly nightshade will kill and I'm not that sure about sweetcorn, to be honest."

For this reason, nutritionists are advising against licking toilet seats and bread boards. For although they are two of the most bacterial laden places in the home, the bacteria that live there are not necessarily the best.

"Instead," Drinkwater said, "We're thinking of growing a soup of bacteria that can provide people all of the nutrients that people need, all of the calories and, maybe, even all of the water. One vat, the size of a terraced house could produce enough food for a million people every day."

The prospect of eating bacteria cakes has been slowly introduced to people with live bacterial drinks, which are selling quite well, inuring people against the idea of eating bacteria. This has been a deliberate long term ploy of nutritionists.

"We do know that some people still aren't keen on eating bacteria, despite the human body being home to several billion bacteria already," said Drinkwater. "So we are developing a paste that can be applied to the skin. The very flesh of the human body eats the bacteria and absorbs the nutrients. People need never eat again if their flesh eats bacteria instead."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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