Allentown, PA - Everyone knows Allentown is full of people who are too fat to fit into a restaurant booth. That is all about to change since the FDA approved the use of a new strain of flesh-eating bacteria for release into the wild, according to our source, Dr. Perogie of Emmaus College.
The new bacteria strain is genetically modified to only eat the "bad" fat, not the brown fat that is needed for production of heat in the body. The bacteria work fast, as they multiply and eat up one pound the first day, two pounds, the second day, and so on until the job is done.
There are a few side-effects, but the main one is passing of gas through every pore and orifice of the body. At first this is minimal; as the bacteria multiply it becomes more like a continuous steam whistle. Once the bacteria run out of "bad" fat they exit the body thru the nose in a cohesive continuous mucus plug that can be quite frightening to the host. This mucus plug is not contagious. The bacteria must be administered through a skin scratch in a doctor's office.
Most of the mass is converted into gas, however, so this mucus plug is not so big as to be fatal.