Written by IainB
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Thursday, 17 May 2012

image for Cheese makes an ideal time machine
The world's first cheese based time machine

Cheddar or Gouda, Brie or Edam, it turns out that the congealed mess that is left if you leave milk in the sun can form the basis of a working time machine.

"We noticed that the vacuoles of air inside a cheese were remarkably dense," said Professor Oswald Greenglass of Manchester University. "Much too dense for their size."

This discovery, made in a tub of Philadelphia soft cheese, turned out to be the discovery of a strange energy state known as negative energy.

"Negative energy has long been postulated in science," said Greenglass. "Einstein himself realised how important it was to the fabric of the universe. However, nobody had ever found any, despite looking in the usual places, such around black holes, the edge of the galaxy and down the back of the sofa. Several pens and a new type of pulsar were discovered in these places, but no negative energy."

Negative energy has two major functions in theoretical physics. On the one hand, it circumvents the E=MC2 equation that prevents matter from travelling faster than light, and on the second hand, it is the stuff that keeps wormholes open.

"It can also be used to make ironing shirts easier," said Greenglass. "However, that's not germane to the study of time travel."

By collecting together a critical mass of cheese, it is possible to accrue enough negative energy to open a wormhole and travel back in time to the other end of the wormhole.

"We need just over three tonnes of cheese," said Greenglass. "This is slightly more than is carried by the average supermarket. On the plus side, buying it has earned us enough Clubcard reward points for a toaster. So when we've finished with the wormhole, we can make cheese on toast. Everyone's a winner."

The world's first wormhole, or possibly the second, as the other end of the wormhole is in the past, was opened earlier this week. It allowed one scientist the chance to go back in time.

"We sent Doctor Faust," said Greenglass. "He's a doctor of ideology, and very expendable. Unfortunately, he returned safe and sound."

Faust was sent back in time to 2004, where he came out in a Cheddar Cheese factory in Dublin. He brought back to the present a newspaper and a lovely piece of Irish Cheddar.

"We wanted to ask him lots of questions about his time in the wormhole," he said. "However, it turns out that the week before he went into the wormhole, he'd won £364 million on the Euro Lottery. With all that money, we're not sure why he volunteered."

Scientists at the University of Manchester will be attempting another time travel experiment in the near future when they have bought enough cheese.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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