London - Telltale signs of poor oral hygiene are emerging in the latest report into treatable cancers.
A Royal College of Swabbologists survey has discovered traces of bacteria, viruses and parasites commonly found in the ubiquitous doner and shish kebab.
They lurk in the body's darkest crevices and may be triggering tumors of the male prostate gland.
Although many of these pathogens are neutralised by the gastric process many are passed on in, er, oral contact soon after eating the popular night time snack.
"We recommend industrial strength mouthwash," a College sauce commented, "before every attempt at making love."
Mutations of the human papillomavirus virus (HPV), the Helicobacter Pylori gastric bug and the Hepatitis-B (HBV) and C viruses are thought to proliferate in hellish kebab kitchens in an Inner City Armageddon scenario first spawned during The Blitz.
Apart from Ozzi's Camden Kebab Taverna, thought to have been infected during the 1966 World Cup.