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Saturday, 24 March 2012

image for 'The Human Brain Rewrites "Boring" Speech', Claims Study
Always looking for more sponsors: Professor Convolvulus with his Architectonic Resilience Shuttle Encephalograph, yesterday

The human brain has the ability to make even the most boring stories vivid and entertaining, a leading brain scientist claims.

This is because the brain's 'inner voice' can talk over even the most tedious speaker, according to Professor Jens Convolvulus and his team at the University of Jutland.

Researchers in the Jutland team used the latest hypertrophic magnetoscoping image technology, isolastic looping polygraphics, the Professor's own Architectonic Resilience Shuttle Encephalography, neon lights that flashed inside glass valves, complicated flowcharts with long names, biros, sheets of A4 graphpaper and special Self-Reflective Goggles with matching Big Woolly Earmuffs to study the activities of experimental subjects. 'We also employed items such as the ear-trumpet and the wax cylinders', explained Professor Convolvulus, 'in order to put the subjects at their ease so that they were not distracted by our impressive array of new equipment. When we recently experimented upon the Jutland chickens, they refused the eggs to lay, being frightened by the Oscillating Plasma Resonance Domes we employed to record their social behaviours, and a study last year was ruined when the tapirs chewed the Logarithmic Vectron Platters.'

The Jutland team used 36 volunteers, who were subjected to a variety of audio clips, video and printed texts. Head of Applied Persiflage, Dr Yo Bro, explained that the experiment had a very complex structure.

'The experiment had a very complex structure', explained Head of Applied Persiflage, Dr Yo Bro. 'We fed these samples to the subject-groups:

  • the works of Sir Jeffrey Archer
  • Harry Potters with Mrs J K Rowling, esquire
  • the greatest budget speeches of George Osborne
  • a sermon from Reverend Simeon Clodde, vicar of St Gillcrappe's in Dover
  • the Hebrew Version of Leviticus without the jokes
  • Gladstone's longest speech from 1853 to 1854
  • Danny Alexander's home movie of 'making it up as we go with Dave and Nick'
  • a lecture by Torsten Snjorr, Professor of Dung Sciences and Applied Fustian here at The University of Jutland


'We employed a measurement approach, following Dunkleheim & Frappler, utilising the Rectilinear Tesselations first developed by Frobisher & Mittelstinke in 1967. Merging this approach with a judicious use of the Scattered Cone Sampling methods developed here at Jutland by Professor Convolvulus in his studies of the social behaviours of the barnacle, we divided the subjects into a Subtractional Trellis of Interleaved Quasi-Tranches. Then we exposed them to the boring speeches, which were arrayed in a series of Topographically Superdiametric Ablations, following the modus operandi made famous by Horst Fluck of the Trittelheimer Institute.'

Dr Christophe Schlepper, a joint author of the study soon to be published in The Journal of Arcane Rigmarole, began to summarise its results, but was called away to an emergency involving Jutland's new Positional Qualming Undulator.

Professor Jens Convolvulus was able to provide a summary in the absence of Dr Schlepper. 'I am able to provide a summary, in the absence of my colleague Dr Schlepper', said Professor Convolvulus, before going on to provide a summary in the absence of Dr Schlepper, who had had to leave to attend to an issue with the new Positional Qualming Undulator.

Analysis of the printouts from the Architectonic Resilience Shuttle Encephalograph were very revealing, explained Professor Convolvulus. 'Analysis of the printouts from the Architectonic Resilience Shuttle Encephalograph were very revealing', he explained. 'From these analyses, we have very strong indicative data. Our subjects were instructed to record their thoughts as they were exposed to the various stimuli. These data suggest that the human beings are able to deal with the boring speech by means of constructing an inner narrative that is much more exciting.

'We have called this inner narrative the Inner Voice (IV). We have learned that the brain uses this IV to overwrite the boring speaking that is its input, so that the brain is still energised and does not fall asleep: therefore it is still able to survive even the very long speeches.

'We have discovered that while for example the subjects were exposed to the lecturings of Torsten Snjorr, Professor of Dung Sciences and Applied Fustian here at The University of Jutland, and while they were hearing, for example a statement about the gravimetric determinations of sulphur as sulphate in a fertiliser and the various approaches used by Quamper, Jarry & Westinghouse, the subject's IV was saying:

'...nipples painfully erect, buttocks unbearably pert, raven-black tresses cascading down her back, Lucy covered her teenage body in a rich, creamy lather, hands working across the taut stomach and kneading the ample breasts. Hearing a footfall, she turned, and gasped: "Why, hello, Vicar! Care to join me?"

'It seems that the brain will construct its own narrative if the speech it hears or reads is unacceptable in any way', said Professor Convolvulus. 'It is sometimes the only way to prevent insanity or self-destruction. This is, we believe, the evolutionary method by which people have been able to read the Book of Leviticus in Hebrew and also why in Great Britain the Coalition Government has been elected.

'This hypothesis would also seem to explain why the novels of Sir Jeffrey Archer are so popular, as well as the Harry Potters of Mrs J K Rowling, Esquire. In these cases, the readers are effectively making their own books as they read, which is a remarkable thing. Indeed, while the subjects were having the story of Harry Potter And The Lucrative Magical Cliches exposed to them, what their IVs were constructing was their very own novels which resemble The Lord Of The Rings and The Sword In The Stone very much.

'Although we were not able to study the original subjects who heard the speech of Mr Gladstone in 1853-54, we have exposed our subjects to a part of the same speech, and we have found that their IVs were making up stories about Florence Nightingale dressed in the rubber aprons and using a whip on the naked flesh of Queen Victoria while they were hearing this speech.

'Perhaps this will explain the success of the British Parliament Houses - though there is much work to do to explore these hypotheses further.

'We are able to posit the existence of the IV by study of the data from the Architectonic Resilience Shuttle Encephalograph, and cross-referencing this with the isolastic looping polygraphics', said Professor Convolvulus. 'Also, we can study the transcripts of what our subjects have written down of their thoughts. By this combination of techniques, we have covered all the possibilities, we are sure.

'Our study at Jutland is an exciting confirmation of the Inner Voice hypothesis', enthused Professor Convolvulus, 'and it is a proof of the great benefits of our state of the art technologies such as the new hypertrophic magnetoscoping image technology, isolastic looping polygraphics, my own Architectonic Resilience Shuttle Encephalography, neon lights that flash inside glass valves, complicated flowcharts with the elongated names, biro pens, sheets of A4 graphpaper and special Self-Reflective Goggles with matching Big Woolly Earmuffs. Also with using the ear trumpets and the wax cylinders, we continue to have the flexibility here at The University of Jutland and to welcome all our commercial sponsors such as the Jutland Milk Company, Jutland Cheese Company and Jutland Dairy Collectives Ltd.

'And we are always on the looking, when it shall come to the new sponsors, as it certainly has come to that, in these times', concluded Professor Jens Convolvulus, before rushing off to perform some essential calibration on the Architectonic Resilience Shuttle Encephalograph, for which he has actually found a sponsor, so that from 1st May this year it will be known as the Federated Agricultural Trades Architectonic Resilience Shuttle Encephalograph.

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