Written by IainB

Friday, 23 March 2012

Well, that was over in a flash.

Scientists at Cambridge University have successfully lobbied the World Athletics Federation to adopt their new Vague Timing System as the official timing system of the Olympics.

"With many countries having different timing mechanisms, we feel this is the most equatable way of standardising the time," said Professor of Time at Queens College, Juan O'Clock.

The Vague Timing system builds on the base unit of a Instant. an Instant is the shortest time that something can happen in. Instants are grouped together to form a Flash. A Jiffy is made up of several Flashes (cf: Scientists at Cambridge University have successfully lobbied the World Athletics Federation to adopt their new Vague Timing System as the official timing system of the Olympics.)

"With many countries having different timing mechanisms, we feel this is the most equatable way of standardising the time," said Professor of Time at Queens College, Juan O'Clock.

The Vague Timing system builds on the base unit of a Instant. an Instant is the shortest time that something can happen in. Instants are grouped together to form a Flash. A Jiffy is made up of several Flashes (cf: Vague numbering system). A few Jiffies make up a Moment with a few more making up a Bit Longer, whilst a While is a shed load of Moments.

"For example," said O'Clock, "Usain Bolt could complete the hundred metres in an Instant, but he'd finish the two hundred metres in a Jiffy and the relay takes a Bit Longer. For him to run a marathon, it would take a while."

The terms Second and Minute are retained in the Vague Timing System, but no longer refer to one standard second or sixty standard seconds. Instead, a Second is somewhere between a Jiffy and a Moment, whilst a Minute is somewhere between a Moment and a Bit Longer. The Second is distinguishable from the Sec by dint of being fractionally shorter, although Sec is a shorter word, it is a longer time.

To fill the long gap between a Bit Longer and a While, O'Clock has proposed Two Ticks and a Twinkling.

"We feel that using these new times will give runners something more to aim at than shaving standard seconds off times," said O'Clock. "Hopefully, we will be able to construct the vague measuring system in time for the Olympics, to allow us to standardize the nightmarish field of distances for track and field.". A few Jiffies make up a Moment with a few more making up a Bit Longer, whilst a While is a shed load of Moments.

"For example," said O'Clock, "Usain Bolt could complete the hundred metres in an Instant, but he'd finish the two hundred metres in a Jiffy and the relay takes a Bit Longer. For him to run a marathon, it would take a while."

The terms Second and Minute are retained in the Vague Timing System, but no longer refer to one standard second or sixty standard seconds. Instead, a Second is somewhere between a Jiffy and a Moment, whilst a Minute is somewhere between a Moment and a Bit Longer. The Second is distinguishable from the Sec by dint of being fractionally shorter, although Sec is a shorter word, it is a longer time.

To fill the long gap between a Bit Longer and a While, O'Clock has proposed Two Ticks and a Twinkling.

"We feel that using these new times will give runners something more to aim at than shaving standard seconds off times," said O'Clock. "Hopefully, we will be able to construct the vague measuring system in time for the Olympics, to allow us to standardize the nightmarish field of distances for track and field."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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