Shocking results of a new study that looked at the effects of diet on life span are shaking up dieticians and health care workers worldwide. Published in the March Journal of Diet and Health Environment, the study showed that there is an undeniable correlation between vegetable consumption and mortality. And that correlation is not casual. In fact, it is "perfect". This means that 100% of persons who eat vegetables will suffer death!
The study was conducted by a crack team of researchers on temporary leave from their normal assignments at the Climate Research Unit (CRU) of Britain's University of East Anglia. CRU leader Phil Jones said that their study demands attention of governments worldwide. "We need at least two billion pounds of funding to refine our work" he said. "At this early point in our research, we cannot tell if all vegetables have the same toxic effect, or whether some are worse than others. We are working hard on developing a computer model that will help us understand what is going on here, but we need funding."
In the U.S., Center for Disease Control spokesman Imso Measley said the results certainly come as a surprise. He admitted that his preliminary review of the research found the statistical procedures to be every bit as sound as Dr. Jones' other well known work. "I am embarrassed to say it, but we at CDC have not performed this kind of correlative research since our study of second-hand smoke. Perhaps we need to get more out of our box and question old paradigms," said Measley.
The research is being heavily criticized by the Big Vegetable cartel. "They did not look at other complicating factors" said Red Green, spokesman for Carrots and Beets Unlimited. "For example, it appears that they did not make an effort to adjust the raw data for individuals' fruit intake, and we already know that many if not all people who eat fruit will die. Worse, it was only a retrospective study, not a prospective study, so there was no opportunity for double-blind testing."
First Lady Michelle Obama has been actively promoting more consumption of vegetables. Her campaign has focused principally on elementary schools, where young students often tend to ignore or ditch the vegetables they are provided in their lunches. Her effort has received considerable attention in light of recent news stories about teachers confiscating their students' home-prepared box lunches in exchange for a school-prepared meal.
Critics of Mrs. Obama's school lunch campaign have charged that it subverts parents, and is little more than another method to indoctrinate youth into a government agenda. Will they now have a much stronger message?
Neither the First Lady nor the authors of the controversial research were available for comment.