GADSEN AL (ABSNN) -- Bill Gates, the MicroSoft Gazillionaire has one. The Convent of the Queer has one. queen mudder has one. And so did Gadsen, Alabama native Sonny Daze, but his killed him!
What did all of these people have, and what killed Sony Daze? The answer is: each of these owners had a computer driven software program that provided absolute security, top of the line, like no other.
The system prevented criminals from breaking into the homes whether or not the owner was present. It instantly detected smoke, heat, fire and carbon monoxide. Additionally, the program sampled the air to remove dangerous chemicals and even microbes and viruses. It answered phones and set the room temperature.
Believe it or not, this computer program ran vaccuum cleaners, mopped floors, cleaned ceiling fans (we all hate that), let the dog out, let the cat in, fed the dog, cat, canaries and the fish without being prompted.
So what happened to Sonny Daze? How did a program speciifically designed to do everything to protect the home owner end up killing him? And, how did Sony Daze die?
The Gadsen Fire Department responded Thursday to an automatic alarm at 336 Riverside Court. When the First Responders arrived, they punched in the secret code given to them by Daze. The house was silent, "too silent," said GFD LT Bob Bigalow.
"We went from room to room expecting to find signs of a fire since it was us and not the police who were alerted to the scene early this morning," continued.
"We found no signs of a fire. What we did find was Sony Daze lying dead in his shower, the victim of a cleaning sulution that kills 99.9999% of all living organisms,"
"He was a completely sterile cadaver," Braxton Bragg V, coroner for the City of Gadsen. "There was no bacterium or, indeed, anything within his body (including his intestines, blood, semen). I've never seen anything like it."
The State Police Computer Forensic Team down loaded Daze's computer. What they found shook them to their very cores.
"According to the computer, Sony Daze came home following a tryst with a prostitute who was a carrier of Black Gonnasyphlis. It was all over his sexual organs and soaked into his pants. When he removed his soiled garments and threw them on the floor, the computer immediately locked onto the microbes in his mouth, on his penis and on his clothing," said computer specialist Ken Free.
"He was doomed at that point because the computer found so many microbes floating in the air that it failed to recognize Mr. Daze as the owner of the house and a robot immediately grabbed him and his clothing and took him into the shower where it forced antibacterial agents down his throat and up his hinnie," Free explained.
"He would have lived if he'd only disrobed in the shower, but he stripped in the clean area of the house and was eliminated as a source of pathogens," said the computer programmer.
Mr. Daze is survived by his son, Dayus Daze, currently on a Peace Corps mission in deepest Africa. When informed of the manner in which his father met his demise, the son stated, "Well, I told Father he would regret spending all that money of a computer program."
There is no need for embalming in this case; the corpse should last longer than Lenin's, say undertakers. Funeral plans will be completed upon the return of Dayus Daze sometime next October.
"It can wait; the computer will keep him fresh," said Dayus.