DUBLIN (ABSNN) -- Irish astronomers told the press today that the planets Venus and Jupiter will collide at 0327 GMT this coming Friday. The two planets seem only inches away this evening and may be seen in the Western sky said astronomers.
"We're quite certain of our facts, you see," said Regor Mellon, famed Irish astronomer. "The two planets have been on a collision course since March 3rd, and soon, Jupiter's greater gravity will pull poor, poor Venus into it, just as the Comet Shumacher-Levy was some years past."
The difference is, according to the astronomers, "Venus, like the Earth is a solid, rocky planet where Jupiter, for all of its size, is a giant ball of gas and would actually float in a cup of water, that is, of course, if one had an extremely large cup of water."
Reporters asked the Irish astronomers why the collision of the two planets might "Spell the end (for Earthlings)?
"It's the French. The universe is simply fed up with the damned French. I couldn't be a bit clearer, now could I?"
American Astronomer FrankietheJ, PhD, stated emphatically "The two planets will not collide; they are in conjunction with each other. What that means is that Jupiter and Venus will become co-joined twins, attached at the hip. That Irish guy is drinking too much Jamesons."
"The Irish are also incorrect in saying the Universe is sick and tired of the French and will destroy the Earth to get at them. We all hate the French; the French are universally hated. But the Universe doesn't care about the French," said theJ.
Asked why the French were so hated, Dr. theJ stated, "That is a question for an anthropologist, not an astronomer. I cannot give a scientific answer to that old, old question. They're the Fench, dammit! That's good enough for me!"
TheSpoof.com assured its vast readership (12.5 at this writing) that whoever is right, especially if it is the Irish astronomers, TheSpoof.com writers will remain at their posts, reporting throughout the world, reporting upon this event, till the bitter end."
"God knows we'll try," said Mark Lowton, owner of The Spoof website.