Experts from the world over are gathered in Zimbabwe this week to consider what may be the most important crisis ever to beset person-kind: a shortage of aughts and singular integers. The United Nation's International Panel for Preservation of Integers (IPPI) has announced a new world-wide initiative, calling on governments to take immediate action immediately in order to encourage conservation of the life-giving commodity that forms the very life-blood of our modern existence.
The function of today's society depends on the availability of quality binary representations, in everything from production of the world's energy and protection of our water and food, to operation of our hospitals, transportation, and world-wide information systems.
Intel co-founder Gordon Moore, who once predicted (in what's become known as Moore's Law) that computer processing speed and capacity would increase exponentially, essentially doubling every two years, says he is not surprised by the looming Aught and One crisis. In his characteristic calm demeanor, he simply notes that "billions of these two critical resources are lost to the landfill every day, without change of recovery."
IPPI spokesperson Chi Kun Little more urgently predicts that ". . our culture will be blown back to the Stone Age unless drastic action is taken soon." Not everyone agrees with that assessment. Mathematician and former TV personality Jethro Bodine of Beverly Hills, Ca. sees a potential yin-yang effect, arguing that a naught shortage will make "cyphering goesintas" somewhat harder, but that "times could actually become easier."
The IPPI is working vigorously to finalize the language of an international agreement that would levy a tax on those who over-consume Aughts and Ones, as well as those who do not recycle. Right now, it appears that Aughts (also sometimes called naughts) are in greater danger of depletion than Ones, so they will garner the panel's initial focus. Signatories to the accordance would agree to impose the new naught tax within their respective countries, but collections and distributions would be overseen by the IPPI. . Initial proceeds of the tax will be used to reimburse panel chair Al Gore for the personal expenses he incurred in drawing the world's attention to the crisis through his movie "We Have A Lot To Do About Nothing." The remaining proceeds will be used to assist developing countries in their quest for integer parity.
In the USA, reactions to IPPI pronouncements were swift and pointed. President Obama held an immediate press conference and condemned President Bush and his cronies for their culpability, charging that their alliances with Microsoft and other high-profit Big Binary corporations set the stage for the integer crisis. He noted that with an immediate congressional appropriation of just six trillion dollars, he is confident he would be able to regain control of the problem and also regain international respect for the USA's integer indulgence.
Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) and current Senate leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) both called for immediate joint-session hearings, with each pledging to lead investigations intended to find out who knew what and when. When questioned about the President Obama's support for these investigations, press secretary Jay Carney noted that the President clearly believes that Pelosi and Reid are both equally and uniquely qualified for investigating issues that have to do with naught. However, many neutral observers believe that their inquiries into the depletion of "Ones" will present a more tangible, and therefore more substantial challenge to the two controversial leaders.
Some are incredulous at Pelosi's involvement, as she is not known for her numeric expertise. In a video now gone viral, she once replied to Fox New's Brett Baier's question about about the impact of President Obama's spending programs on the national debt: "Oh, I don't see what all the controversy is about. A trillion, billion, zillion - whatever - it's just a bunch of zeros, and zero don't count anyway! It just the Republicans once again literally trying to make something out of nothing".