'Don't panic, because there is nothing you can do!' exclaimed the Government's Chief Scientific Adviser, Charles Gloom 'there is a solar storm coming from space and anyone might be able to hear your telephone conversations as all electric currents will be in jeopardy'.
The fact that the storm has already arrived is clear because I heard the Gloom prediction when I dialled my brother's number.
I called a few of our resident experts on scientific matters and can confirm that a solar storm is already changing all our lives. Those blips on the computer, those mysterious messages about growing your penis around your neck come from outer space!
The disaster that awaits us is that when we turn on the computer we may get any message from anyone. At the moment I am studying top secret messages from someone called Murdoch, who has decided to send projectiles into space with Jeremy Clarkson so he can get a front page story onto Top Gear.
We await further shocking revelations!