Written by P.M. Wortham
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

image for IBM Releases Superconducting Quantum Computer, Large Hadron Collider Engineers Experience First Boner
The original 64K memory chip. "A classic" says Krainz. "I'll need to step away to the bathroom for a moment"

Showing photographs of the recently developed superconducting processor, IBM announced plans for eventual release of their new Quantum Computer. Engineers and scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, showed a vividly clear interest in acquiring the device.

Lead particle physics researcher at Cern, Adolphus Krainz who still carried a protruding bulge towards the front of his khaki trousers, says that the new computer will allow them to produce testing models and analyze results much faster. "It will be as if we are but children, experiencing the Commodore 64 for the very first time, like moving from a slide rule to our first TI calculator, like buying our first copy of the European Physics Journal to see a centerfold of a prototype 64 bit chip!" Krainz was seen with a growing wet spot just below his belt line.

IBM would not comment on who the first customers might be for the device, but seemed pleased with the engineering breakthrough. "Well, maybe not as pleased as those fellas over at the LHC", says IBM Marketing Manager and acronym aficionado, Frank Tealay. "It's pronounced lust like the three letter acronym, TLA", said Tealay. "Over here at the BAC division of IBM, we believe there is no such thing as TMI. The more CPU cycles, the better. This new SQC rocks." We were forced to ask about only one acronym in Tealay's quote, to which he replied, "Big Ass Computer, of course". We asked again. "No, seriously", replied Tealay.

Tealay seemed excited himself and may have been sporting wood while speaking of their latest design, but the podium in front of him blocked any view of confirmation. There was also no confirmation about LHC engineers asking for poster sized photographs of IBM's new SQC for the ceilings of their respective bedrooms.

Make P.M. Wortham's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 4 plus 5?

6 9 5 22

Go to top