Written by IainB
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Sunday, 12 February 2012

image for Heartbroken? There's an app for that
One day, we're going to fall out over a bag for life and you'll wish I'd never been born

Nobody knows heartbreak like Mac Buck, editor of App World! At least, as far as he is concerned, nobody has.

"My heart has been broken so often," said Buck, "that it has come to resemble a second hand jigsaw puzzle: a million pieces - not all from the same puzzle - no picture and several important pieces missing. First there was losing my wife, then the researcher on App World! Daphne, spurned me. Well, I say spurned. It was more that I never asked."

There have been cases of death by broken heart, but generally, it's not fatal, or the teenage years would be the final years. But whether young or old, one problem remains: how to mend a broken heart. Step into the breach French applelet company, Le App.

"They say time mends a broken heart," said Buck. "And every iPhone already has the time on it. I can state categorically that the time on an iPhone did not mend my broken heart. What Le App have done is speak to love psychologists at the Parisian Institute for Love, the foremost institute for investigating love in the city of love."

The psychologists, or in French, le psychologists, have discovered that the destruction of photographs of loved ones plus other memories aids the healing process, speeding it up by a factor of ten.

"The typical heartbreak lasts one twelfth of the length of the relationship," said French love psychologist, Dave Handy. "So it takes a year to get over a twelve year relationship and a month for one that lasts a year. By destroying all of the pictures and memories, this can be speeded up, so getting over a year long relationship can take less than a week."

The app makes it look like photos are going up in flames or being shredded or both. It allows memories to be likewise destroyed.

"The good thing about this app," said Buck. "Is that I can take a photo of the Valentine's Day teddy I bought for Fraze and mine's first date and then shoot it with lasers and flame throwers before dunking it in acid and shredding the remains."

But does it work?

"You know what?" said Buck. "It damn well worked. I feel really good."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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