Flab Fighters have finally released their app for helping the overweight become slimmer than a snowball's chance in Hell in the shortest time possible.
"Looking at me," said App World! editor, Mac Buck, "you wouldn't guess that I'm overweight. However, on downloading this app, I've discovered that my BMI is higher than my IQ!"
The applelet, iFlab, from the British dieting organisation is given information such as height, weight, breast size (for men only) and the nature of the app owner's job to calculate the BMI of the person and the likelihood of them contracting cardiovascular disease. Pressing the highly sensitive AMOLED screen to the wrist allows the app to calculate the person's heart rate during a serious of simple exercises such as standing up, walking one flight of stairs and lifting a can of beans.
"The first problem with the app is that the exercises are displayed on the screen while you are measuring your pulse," said Buck. "Unless you have a very good memory, it is difficult to do both simultaneously. Fortunately, I have more than one iPhone."
Once the app knows your current state of health, it calculates an ideal diet and constructs meal plans, automatically scheduling into the iPhone's appointment calendar an exercise regime and meal times.
"The diet it drew up for me seemed heavily weighted towards lentils," said Buck. "I'm an American. I thought lentils were the British word for hire cars."
Buck, sadly, struggled with following the prescribed plan.
"When I finally found somewhere that sold lentils, no mean feat in America to find a health food shop, let me tell you," he said, "I found that they taste like the bottom of a rabbit hutch. Why couldn't it have come up with a diet involving Cheese Wheeze burgers?"
Fortunately, iFlab has a back-up plan.
"For an additional thirty dollars you can by the iFlabAway," said Buck. "Essentially, this is a belt onto which the iPhone is strapped. It then vibrates really quickly and wobbles the flab right off you. I would add a warning for anybody using this device. Don't use it anywhere with a roof, my bingo-wings flapped about so much, I took off and banged my head on my Henry Moore light fitting!"