With many Americans unable to change life long eating habits, a new medical procedure coupled with prosthetic pants may be the desirable answer.
Developed by Dr. C. Emmett Sakatt a colorectal surgical specialist with extraordinarily long fingers, the digestive bypass surgery removes much of the calorie absorbing intestinal tract, giving food a more direct path to exit the body. "It's like an express lane for your cheeseburger", says Dr. Sakatt.
Early testing of the procedure did yield some unwanted side effects, like the inability to store digested meals in the bowels until the patient's morning constitutional. "No chance waiting until the morning to enjoy your paper and admire a well formed log", says Sakatt. "Things move a bit quicker now, and mostly without much advance warning", which reportedly, necessitated the invention of specially lined trousers with hidden fecal pouches and gas vents.
"It takes some getting used to", says patient zero, Albert Terwilliger. "You're enjoying a nice dinner out, but the express lane can be a bit noisy unless you chew your food really well". Apparently the poorly scented methane problem still exists as well, causing Mr. Terwilliger's ejection from several restaurants. "But Dr. Sakatt fixed that, adding an odor neutralizing feature which fixed the smell, but not necessarily the incendiary nature of the gas". Terwilliger showed the minor burns on his scalp where some hair has been singed away. "Never sit at a table with a large candle in the center", said Terwilliger.
There were other early pitfalls to the trouser design, making it difficult to climb stairs or run without pulling out the drainage tube, but newer designs include a supporting elastic truss which forced the tube to remain in place, well inserted in the rectum. "They do still seem to be walking a bit funny", says Dr. Sakatt, "Almost as if there's a broom handle stuck, well, let's just say that they will be walking a bit more erect than their friends".
The surgery and three pairs of different color trousers are provided in the surgical package which runs, no pun intended, for the modest price of $175,000. Sleeping without the trousers is not recommended.