Written by Robert D. Knight
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Monday, 23 January 2012

image for Sluts 'the key to world peace' say scientists
A sexily objectified woman drives men insane with lust

From gang warfare to cross words and even world wars, slutty women could eventually prevent all world conflicts, scientists have claimed.

A review of psychological evidence by top, top researchers concludes that men are drawn to violence only when women "guard their pussies like gold".

Professor Rufus T. Coxsmith of the Institute of Cognitive Evolution and Juicy Buns Theory at Oxford University said: "Our after hours research at the Bullingdon Club confirms that a fracas only ever occurred when we didn't have enough strippers and hos for everyone.

"This exhaustive - and exhausting - investigation proved that when the vaginas dried up, the violence began. The solution to all world conflict is therefore to provide enough willing vaginas--I mean women, for everyone."

New interpretations of existing historical documents have shown how women have attempted to gain control over men throughout history by pretending their vaginas are made out of magic. After failed endeavours to attain 'the pussy on the pedestal' men retaliated with elaborate displays of deep-seated anger. These displays included everything from refusing to mow the lawn to making war on Troy.

A brave and heroic minority known as 'sluts' have attempted to diffuse the situation by dropping their pants for anything even remotely resembling a man. Unfortunately their numbers remain too few to provide the huge quantities of sex men require to keep them even remotely sane.

Professor Coxsmith, who prefers to be known simply as 'The Prof', added:

"Since a dramatic increase in the number of women is unlikely, the current slut shortfall or 'slut gap' must be filled by the existing female populace. In short, for the good of all humanity, all women need to become a great deal more slutty."

That suggestion was met with anger by the feminist group SlutStroll Toronto (Who aren't sluts but disguise themselves as such to keep men guessing).

Betty Swallocks, the group's spokeswoman said, "This is just further proof of the patriarchal male-entitlement culture, and why all men are smelly and we don't like them na na na. Professor Coxsmith needs to apologise and kiss our feet at once or we won't speak to him ever again."

When we caught up with 'The Prof' in his penthouse suite, bookended by two blondes in bikinis he referred to simply as 'his goddesses', he seemed entirely unrepentant.

"Calm down dear," he said, adding, "All you've got to do is spread your legs and give peace a chance."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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