Scientists claimed today that Scotland leaving the UK will increase levels of happiness in the UK by up to 0.3%.
Currently, with Scotland in the UK happy index, the figure stands at 3.9%, but were the sassanachs to go solo, deducting their low rating of 2.9% from the average would increase the UK figure to 4.2%
Scientists carried out the research in a West London launderette - due to budget cuts no university would sponsor the index.
The index is based on a complicated Carol Vorderman type sum, involving hours of sunlight multiplied by population divided by ginger hair divided by hours spent in the pub.
"SEE YOU JIMMY"
Famous grumpy scots include Gordon Brown, Rod Stewart and Kenny Dalglish.
When asked for an official response a spokesman for the government said "Bugger off - we no longer comment on stories about those miserable jocknies over the border"