Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 11 January 2012

image for Sex Responsible for Growth in Social Networks, Scientists Say
"There are many ways to polish the boatman's hat"

Long thought to be a simple tool for basic communication between friends, scientists now say that the exponential growth of social network websites can be attributed to one thing only; Sex.

Co-authors of the report, Dr. Ivanna Vebusch and Dr. N. Otto Getenany say that the firm rise in users for services like Facebook, Twitter, and other social websites is simply due to the search for sex. While the doctors agree that tweets and posts by men are the easiest to identify as having ulterior motives, the women are just as driven towards the same goals.

Critics of the report also appear to be supporters of the use of these web tools for innocent and non-sexual ends. "Bitch, please", responded Dr. Getenany, trying to sound like he was from the streets of Pittsburgh rather than his own wealthy suburb of Vienna. "Almost everybody, especially the men, use these communication tools to either arrange for sex, let his list of friends know he's in need of sex, or post something that makes them look more attractive as a sexual partner."

Asked for examples to explain his assertion, Getenany replied, "Single guys posting a picture of a puppy just rescued from an animal shelter? Posting comments about how they were moved after watching the latest women's movie on the Lifetime channel? Married guys posting their kid's pictures and commenting about what a great family he has? They are all looking for, how do you say it in the OC? A booty call".

Dr. Vebusch nodded her head in agreement during the press conference and added, "Women are a little more clandestine, using code words and acronyms to cover their tracks, but they are just as guilty of wanton behavior". Vebusch says that using veiled invitations like indicating they had no plans that evening but plenty of frozen pizza and cold beer on hand, was a strong indicator. "Sometimes code words are used to indicate the depth of their personal need. Most women refer to dating a man named Bob if no other opportunities become available, except that Bob stands for Battery Operated Boyfriend".

Both scientists agree that if the social networks were only used for small talk and recipe exchanges, they would have failed long ago. "On the whole, we are not motivated to respond to posts about little Timmy's football practice. Posting something about a little boatman who needs a fine rogering? Now that will get an immediate and energy charged response".

Adam37826: "I just helped my mom pick up some groceries from the market and took them to the local food bank, but I'm happy to help you polish the boatman's hat"

Cindy888: "No thanks. I think your polishing rag was a bit rough last time. I'll make a call to Bob".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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