Written by Asheville Jack
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Monday, 9 January 2012

image for Was this Steve Jobs Last Project - the iOuija Board?
Shown: President Bush trying out the new IOuija Board

Reports out of China indicate that Apple is on the verge of releasing a new electronic device designed to keep it's users in tough not with just our family or friends but with our deceased loved ones as well.

Called the iOuija Board, those in the know say the mysterious electronic device may have been designed by Steve Jobs himself before his untimely death in October 2011.

While technical specifications have not yet been released, a purloined copy of the owner's manual for the new device was recently spirited out of the China. Below is purportedly the final proof for the owner's manual for the iOuija Board.

iOuija Board Owners Manual - Tips On Use

For the Ouija Board to work properly, at least 2 people must gently rest their fingers on the touch screen face. The iOuija Board works better when placed on the knees, but a table works fine. In the end, it's whether a spirit wishes to communicate or not that gives you the ultimate result, which depends not on where the iOuija Board is placed.

Talk to Your iOuija Board

The 'proper' way to start is to keep repeating, "iOuija, are you out there?" while the Siri app is running until the screen lights up or vibrations are felt. Small jerks may be felt but are usually the result from slight twitching from one of the 'players'. Keep an eye on how many reception bars appear at the top of the screen. At least three or four bars are needed for clear spiritual reception.

When a spirit wishes to communicate a strong vibration similar to the vibration an IPhone makes in silent mode will be felt, and on the touch screen words of the spirit will appear. If you see a look of surprise on your partner's face, it's usually a good indication that it's a genuine spirit. Keep in mind, laughing and giggling usually results in aggravating the spirit and will keep them from communicating - or sometimes making them verbally offensive. For best listening results Apple suggest the use of genuine Apple stereo ear-buds.

Is it a Good Spirit?

Next step is to ask the spirit if they're from the sun or moon ("Where are you from?" may not be specific for your question). They will point to one of the icons, which are called spiritcons, on the iOuija Board. A sun spirit is considered good while the moon is bad. However, not all spirits can be trusted so pay attention to their behavior to judge for yourself.

Respect the Dead

Once you have contact, ask questions about them to find out who they are before asking personal questions about yourself. Spirits are bad spellers and sometimes shorten the words to save time.

Below is a short list of few spirit abbreviations:

WWTSB - "Who won the Super Bowl?
WTMYOM - "Where's the money you owe me?"
ROTAPL - "Rolling on the astral plane laughing."
HTFSMIR - "Help! The Flying Spaghetti Monster is real."
B2012 - "Beware 2012"

Remember you can find more spirit abbreviations in the iOuija Board dictionary.


One thing to remember: when asked how old they are, be specific on how old they were when they died. A 35 year old woman who died 8 years before will tell you she's 8 unless you specify 'at time of death'. Some spirits may become upset when pried with questions on their life, so show respect. They may have lost their physical body, but they still have human feelings.

Ask Questions

Find out who your future wife or husband will be. What job will you have in 5 years? What's the astral plane like? What kind of music did they download from the ITunes Store? Anything. (Lottery numbers never seem to work...). If you're running out of questions but still having fun, see how fast they can do figure 8's with the screen (almost more fun than asking questions!!). *Figure 8's can sometimes mean you've angered the spirit - see note below.

When to End Communication

Don't be scared. Imagine you are conversing with a new friend sitting beside you. Treat them like a person and they'll show you respect in return. As some humans have bad attitudes, their negativity will be carried with them beyond death. If the spirit shows aggression end the communication. However, remember end the communication in the proper way.

Goodbye, iOuija Board

When you feel it is time to end the conversation, let the spirit know you are stopping communication. Be sure to say "Goodbye" and watch the screen for the word "Goodbye" on the iOuija Board. If they fail to do so, make sure the Siri app is still running and say it again. This is the hang-up on the call. Without it, they could (according to our research) remain connected to the iOuija Board and use it as form of 'doorway' into this world while you sleep. However, the more you learn about spirits, the less this seems necessary for them - but there's no point in taking chances.

Finally, while using the iOuija Board please remember not to touch the silver antenna running around the outside of the device. Touching the antenna could result in inferior spirit reception. Both you and the spirit may be come angry, not always a desired outcome when dealing with spirits.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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