It was champagne all round as the sales team of the Apple Company uncorked a bottle celebrating the launch of its revolutionary new product the IDeath. Following the release of previous successes ITunes and IPod, this latest innovation attempts to bring relief to those so-called world-weary souls wishing to end their lives in peace and tranquillity. Or so they say.
Unlike so many of our friends in the media, we are not so quick to dispel this item as merely impractical. Our correspondent at Apple headquarters had the opportunity of testing the product, whose funeral we shall have the honour of attending later this week. Our correspondent gave us a full description of his demise at the hands of this technological miracle. The device was strapped round his wrists releasing deadly toxins directly into the blood stream. However given a series of 'fatal errors' the lamentable process of his untimely demise became long and arduous.
However, what it lacks in functionality it more than makes up for in design - with its sleek and elegant profile it is the archetype of user-friendliness. It is both compact and convenient, ideal for those restless spirits prone to fatalism and whimsy that wish to bring their lives to an abrupt halt momentarily. At least this is the opinion of our correspondent, who described it as one of the 'neatest' products he had ever used - god rest his late soul.
There have been moral issues raised over the technology and its applications. David Roberts, spokesman for Apple stated emphatically "I don't see what the problem is, we are merely trying to bring a little dignity to suicide". However, Professor Robert Shaft of the University of Colorado had his doubts: "I'm not saying the device is not without its uses, but what's wrong with the good old fashioned methods - like throwing yourself off a building or running under a train". Professor Fenton Breagly at the University of Manchester wasn't so sceptical "Despite all the anguished screams of despair, I think the device has many practical foreseeable benefits".
It has even been speculated that the launch of this product will cement Apples position as the most valuable company not only on our snug little planet, which we affectionately call Earth, but throughout the galaxy and maybe even the known Universe.