Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 21 December 2011

image for NASA Finds Earth Sized Planets in Newt Gingrich's Head

Following earlier press releases about the identification of additional Earth sized planets in our galaxy, NASA has followed up with an additional study identifying similar sized planets orbiting within the confines of Newt Gingrich's skull.

"We were shocked as well", says NASA lead scientist Dr. Morrie Stapleton. "We definitely were not looking inside out own solar system much less here on our own planet". But gravitational pull is a measurable force and instruments maintained at NASA's Houston research center confirm that planet sized gravitational pull does in fact exist on Earth.

"It was hard to track, because the force seemed to move around a lot", says Stapleton. "We used to think it had something to do with the Earth's ever changing magma core, but then it usually stopped moving most mornings around 7:00 AM". Stapleton was able to pinpoint the gravitational pull of those new planets down to a café in McLean, Virginia, where Gingrich usually stops for breakfast.

"Large head, that man", says Stapleton. "We were skeptical about the size of his melon, but sure enough, that head carries its own gravity. There must be planets in there". Gingrich was not available for comment, but large metallic objects reportedly seem to be drawn to his head, like microphones and campaign busses.

Stapleton was able to get close enough to visually examine Gingrich with his instruments. The doctor later reported that his loose change, car keys and gold pen were missing from his pockets after the encounter. "Gravity sucks" said Stapleton.

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